1. Định nghĩa vui về tình yêu
– Lịch sử: Tình yêu là cuộc cách mạng giải phóng chủ nghĩa độc thân.
– Địa lý: Tình yêu là trận… động đất trong tâm hồn và trái tim tạo ra “núi lửa”.
– Hóa học: Tình yêu là phản ứng hóa học sinh ra axít.
– Vật lý: Tình yêu là lực hút mạnh hơn lực hút của trái đất.
– Toán học: Tình yêu là phép trừ của túi tiền, phép chia của trái tim, phép nhân của nhân loại (chuẩn nhất khi 2 người có… baby í ) và là phép cộng của mọi rắc rối.
– Văn học: Tình yêu là quyển sách dày mà đọc từ trang đầu đến trang cuối ta vẫn… không hiểu gì cả.
2. Hạ nhục
Đôi tình nhân đang tâm sự:
– Nàng: Em thần tượng nhà thơ X, nên muốn đặt tên con chó nhà mình là X. Mẹ em bảo như vậy là sỉ nhục nhà thơ. Em mới đề nghị lấy tên anh đặt cho nó, mẹ em cũng không chịu…
– Chàng: Mẹ em tốt thật!
-Nàng: Mẹ em bảo làm như vậy là hạ nhục con chó nhà em…
3. Phút nông nổi!!!
Một con kiến cùng 1 con voi yêu và cưới nhau, bỏ ngoài tai tất cả những lời can ngăn của bạn bè.
Chẳng may đêm tân hôn voi lên cơn đau tim và qua đời, Kiến than: “1 phút nông nổi giờ mình phải bỏ cả đời đào huyệt cho hắn”….
4. Buông tay ra
Một anh chàng sắp được Làm bố đi đi lại lại rất sốt ruột bên ngoài phòng đẻ.
Cuối cùng cửa cũng bật mở, người y tá bế đứa bé ra, vừa đi vừa quấn tã. Anh chàng chạy vội lại, thọc tay vào trong tã sờ soạng và hét toáng lên vui mừng: – “Con trai con trai”!!!
“Trai gái cái gì” – Bà y tá giận dữ – “Buông ngón tay tôi ra” ….
5. Của ai?
Hai vợ chồng nhà kia ra toà li dị. Toà tuyên bố người vợ được quyền nuôi dưỡng đứa con. Thấy anh chồng có vẻ không phục, quan toà hỏi:
– Anh có khiếu nại gì không ?
– Nếu tòa bỏ một đồng vào trong cái máy bán nước ngọt, sau đó có một lon Coca-Cola chui ra thì tui hỏi toà! Cái lon Coca-Cola đó là của tòa hay là của cái máy
6.Vẽ chuyện
Trước khi cưới, chàng rủ nàng vào công viên ngồi chỗ tối, nàng thỏ thẻ:
– Đừng anh ! Em sợ ma lắm. Anh có sợ không ?
– Có em là thiên thần thì ma quỷ nào dám động vào 2 ta ! Anh Không sợ !!!
Cũng chỗ tối đấy, đôi bạn ấy Sau khi cưới đi ngang qua :
– Nhanh lên anh ! Em sợ ma lắm. Anh có sợ không ?
– Có quỷ bên cạnh thì sợ gì ma! Vẽ chuyện.
7. Tâm sự một người quản lí net
Khách hàng của những tiệm net hiện nay 98% đều là thiên tài , bật máy ko biết , bật trình gõ tiếng Việt ko biết , vào game ko biết thoát ra , server bảo trì hô máy có vấn đề . Bố mày rất muốn một tay bóp chết chúng mày , bóp chết rồi vò thành một đống , rồi quăng vào dầu sôi chiên , sau đó dùng chân đạp cho nhuyễn ra .
Chat voice ko biết bật Mic , hô headphone hư rồi .
Xem phim thì chê ko có lồng tiếng Việt .
Hỏi tui “có phim heo ko ?” , tui nói ko , nó chê phim ko đc đầy đủ .
Y!M đăng nhập ko đc hô máy lỡm ! chạy qua xem hóa ra đăng nhập pass ko đúng , con mắm đó còn hỏi tui pass bao nhiêu .
Có con mắm kia còn lợi hại hơn , tiếp nhận webca :d
8. Nó đã đi đâu?
Một người bước vào hiệu thuốc và hỏi mua một gói condom. Khi trả tiền xong, anh ta bắt đầu cười và đi ra.
Ngày hôm sau, cũng màn diễn đó, người kia bước ra và cười ngất. Người bán thuốc nghĩ điều này thật kỳ quặc và yêu cầu người giúp việc của mình, nếu người đàn ông kia trở lại thì phải đi theo anh ta.
Vẫn như vậy ngày hôm sau anh ta lại đến cửa hàng, lặp lại hành động như trước. Người giúp việc có trách nhiệm đi theo. Nửa giờ sau, anh ta quay lại.
– Anh đã đi theo hắn chứ?
– Vâng tôi đã đi theo.
– Và, nó đã đi đâu?
– Ðến thẳng nhà … ông
9. Dân IT và Cave
Dân IT và Cave có 9 điểm tương đồng: 1. Làm việc đêm và luôn thiếu ngủ. 2. Khi có hứng làm việc tốt hơn. 3. Không phải bỏ vốn bằng tiền mặt (khi vào nghề). 4. Làm việc phần lớn vì tiền (số ít làm vì yêu nghề). 5. Sẵn sàng phục vụ nhiều khách một lúc nếu đủ sức khỏe. 6. Thích quan hệ với khách nhiều tiền (tốt nhất là khách Tây) 7. Dễ bị quịt tiền, ăn chặn, bóc lột. 8. Phải lựa tính khách hàng để phục vụ. 9. Bị đối xử tệ bạc khi làm khách phật ý
10. Đề thi môn Tiếng Anh bậc tiểu học
Dịch sang Tiếng Anh các câu sau đây:
Câu 1: Ba phù thủy nhìn ba chiếc đồng hồ “Swatch”. Phù thủy nào nhìn chiếc đồng hồ “Swatch” nào?
Đáp án: Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?
Câu 2: Ba phù thủy nhìn ba nút vặn trên đồng hồ “Swatch”. Phù thủy nào nhìn nút vặn nào trên đồng hồ “Swatch”?
Đáp án: Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?
10. Voi và Kiến
Con kiến thấy con voi đang bơi, liền nói:
– Mày có giỏi bước lên đây!
Voi liền bò lên bờ, kiến nhìn và nói:
– Xuống lại đi…
Voi tức giận:
– Mày điên à?
Kiến nói:
– Không có gì, cái quần bơi của tao bị mất, coi thử mày có mặc nó không thôi!
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